More Challenges - Full Disclosure
Friday, February 5, 2010 at 11:11PM So earlier today I wrote about "challenges" (see the entry below). Tonight, I caved, and in the spirit of full disclosure and the hope that by being transparent I can continue to overcome challenges, I'm choosing to share my failure with my blog readers.
Lately, "sweets" (my biggest vice by far) have been getting the better of me. However, I'm more convinced that the underlying issue currently is psychologically, not physically driven. You see, I'm a food addict, and just like alcoholics, we sometimes binge.
Tonight, I binged. After a week of relatively decent eating habits, I found myself wandering the streets of Lansing on my way home from my girlfriend's looking for a QD. God tried to intervene, because the first QD I went to (corner of Harrison and Michigan), the parking lot was completely full and there was nowhere to park or even get my car in the lot. I should have taken the clue. Instead, I headed west for the next QD, located just west of 127.
At this QD, I promptly filled a bag with 4 donuts. QD donuts are my current enemy #1. Those 4 donuts (these are big, cream-filled donuts, not puny cake donuts) are probably easily 2,000+ calories. God tried to intervene again, as they were having problems with their credit card machine which meant I was stuck in line for at least 15 minutes. I still didn't get the clue.
I wolfed down those 4 donuts and headed to the QD on the corner of Lake Lansing and Larch. Yes, I still hadn't had enough to squelch whatever was driving this behavior. This time, I bought 2 more donuts (for a total of 6) and 3 butterscotch chip cookies (another vice). All told, I'm sure I consumed 4,000+ calories in the scope of about half an hour.
What the hell is wrong with me? I have no idea, but I will tell you this. This is an illness and a disease, not a lack of willpower or discipline. I'm not making excuses for my behavior. More importantly, I know it can be overcome because there's no way I could have lost 230 pounds without conquering these demons. However, it's yet another clear indicator to me that this has been and always will be a lifetime battle. Sometimes I grow weary of the fight, but I refuse to give up. I will NOT go back to living my life how I did before! Tomorrow is a new day, and God's mercies are new every morning.
Bottom line - what's done is done. I don't understand it, don't like it, and hope and pray with all my heart that it won't happen again. I am weak, but He is strong. God is my refuge and my strength - my ever present help in times of danger. Yes, I find it somewhat humorous that I'm referring to a visit to QD as "dangerous," but for me, it is - it's dangerous to my health and dangerous to my psychological well-being. Don't ever give up - face your challenges head on and determine to do better. God will help you.
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Reader Comments (4)
You are awesome Jon!!! I appreciate you putting it all out there. People need to know that your human and even with your amazing success you will struggle sometimes. I feel like so many other weight loss solutions don't have any room for error and just set you up to fail. I applaud you for knowing that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. Keep up the good work!!!! I'll be praying for you :)
John,
I still have these kinds of problems too, even after losing a lot of weight myself a LONG time ago. Don't be fooled, it's not ever going to simply go away with time. It gets easier, but it never goes away. I am probably one of the most unhealthy people I know. I had 2 twinkies for breakfast this morning, in fact. I smoke sometimes. I can't remember the last time I walked further than I absolutely had to. But when I notice I am getting out of control, I bunker down and set a goal for myself, the goal not being weight loss, but control over my eating habits.
Over the past year, I have gained 10 pounds, which has sucked tremendously. But knowing full well that my willpower will triumph over my urges, I continue onward, remembering that not that long ago, a younger version of myself triumphed over food and lost 100 pounds. If that little kid could do it then, I sure as hell can do it now!
Hang in there John, I believe in you.
Amy and Lucas -
Thanks guys! It really helps to know people are rooting for me. Luke, I especially appreciate your insight, man. I remember how impressed I was with your ability to lose all that weight too, and the thought went through my mind at the time, "I'm so glad he's able to do it now before it impacts the rest of his life." I know I can conquer and beat this thing. Some days, the challenge seems unbelievably difficult, but I refuse to give up! Thanks again guys for your friendship and support.
Jon
Thank you, Jon., for being so transparent. It's easy to think that you are the ONLY one who struggles with willpower. Dennis and I have been so impressed with your ability to not let a little setback turn into a complete failure. You continue to persevere. Keep it up! I suffer from a different kind of food addiction. I have never been one to eat "the whole box" of anything. However, where I struggle is my overwhelming urge to eat sweets EVERY day, several times a day. I can somewhat control it because I seem to have some willpower as to portion control. So instead of eating BOTH Little Debbie cakes in the package, I eat one. However, I cannot seem to completely stay away. I've eliminated a lot of junk from our house but like you said in your blog, I will drive across town to get what I "need", and many times enjoy it in private, quietly with my shame. When I have tried in the past to overcome this, it always ends in a total binge and a complete throwing in of the towel. I recently started exercising, and I 'm trying to make this a lifestyle change. i am on day 10. I'm almost afraid to attack this food addiction too aggressively because I'm afraid it will end again in feeling like a failure. Any suggestions?